Beyond Playing Time: Strategies for Coach-Player Dialogue
Dear Coach Bryant,
My son used to play a lot of minutes on his football team, but recently he hasn't been starting and only receives about half the playing time. The state tournament is coming up and I know he wants to get into the game as much as possible, but he is convinced the coach doesn't like him and won't put him in. Do you have any suggestions?
Displeased in Delaware
Dear Displeased,
Playing time decisions are not personal, although they can often feel that way. It will be most impactful if you can help your son separate raw emotions from the situation, while charting a productive course ahead. Additionally, you can encourage him to develop a positive and open line of communication with his coach. Here’s how:
Reflect on the situation. Your child should take a moment to reflect on the situation analytically. It may help to think back to the most recent instance when he felt like he was falling short of the coach’s expectations, and take note of what he perceived his role to be in that particular situation. For example, did he miss a tackle because he was confused about who he was marking, or was there something else going on?
Accept accountability. Your child should honestly assess his attitude when he was taken out of the game, or told he wouldn’t be starting. How did he run off the field and take his place on the sidelines? Did he exhibit any negative body language? Accepting accountability for his actions will facilitate growth and maturity in future situations that don’t go his way.
Schedule a time to talk. To ensure that the coach is in the right mindset to have a constructive conversation, it is important for your child to schedule a meeting far enough in advance that the coach has time to reflect as well. Additionally, it is best to talk in a private space, free from distractions. Difficult conversations are better handled face-to face as they allow for non-verbal cues and deeper connection, as opposed to text or email exchanges that can be easily misunderstood.
Plan the questions. If your child has burning questions he wants to ask the coach, he should take a moment to assess their purpose. He can ask himself: "What do I stand to gain by asking this question?" All inquiries should be focused on self-improvement, team development, and addressing the tension constructively. Avoid questions that may be confrontational, defensive, or purely accusatory in nature. By framing questions with a growth-oriented mindset, it encourages a positive and solution-oriented conversation.
Use "I feel"statements. When your child raises his concerns, he should use "I feel" statements, such as "I feel like I'm not shifting properly." This avoids placing blame on the coach and instead focuses on his own performance. It also allows the space for the coach to provide feedback, rather than immediately being on the defensive.
Don't mention playing time. It isn’t the right time to ask how to get more playing time before a big game. Instead, your son should tell the coach that he’s ready to "step up when needed." Here's why: Oftentimes, a coach will play a selfless team player long before a disgruntled one. Conversely, coaches may dig in their heels and sit a player out longer, if they think he (or their parents) are applying pressure to achieve personal gain. Save the "How do I get more PT” conversation for another time.
Express empathy. Coaches are also human beings who face their fair share of stress and pressure. By recognizing the demanding nature of their role and the effort they put into leading the team, it can help to transform the perception of their actions. Your son can express this empathy to facilitate a safe space for a conversation that isn’t about blame, but about mutual respect and understanding.
The Reality
Healthy and productive coach-player relationships are essential for an individual player’s well being and the overall team’s success. When tensions arise, parents should guide their student-athlete to initiate respectful conversations with the coach. Furthermore, parents should provide guidance about how to be a positive member of the team, irrespective of personal circumstances. Ultimately, the ability to engage in constructive conversations with a coach will cultivate a student-athlete’s personal growth while shaping them into a well-rounded individual both on and off the field.
Good Luck,
Coach Bryant
