Recruited, Ready…and Riding the Bench

When I was a coach, I knew that most of my incoming freshmen had been the best players on their teams back home. They were used to competing week after week in the top spot. It was a tough adjustment when, inevitably, some of them didn’t end up in the lineup. I never enjoyed making those decisions—if it were possible to play everyone, I would have—but college sports don’t work that way. Someone always ends up sitting on the bench, and that can be particularly difficult for eager freshmen who believe they are starting material.

Now that I’m the parent of a freshman soccer player in college, I find myself remembering that dynamic and empathizing strongly with my son’s position. I’m seeing firsthand just how challenging that transition can be.

Often, players get recruited with the sincere impression that they will get playing time but soon realize: not only will they not start, but they may not even step foot on the field. All the rostered players on a men’s college soccer team will endure grueling training, sit through video sessions, and get yelled at by the coach. But the harsh reality is that only the best eleven will start, and only a handful more will play. This is why I constantly stress the importance of a student being happy with their overall choice of school. The team vibe, college campus, and academic program are all critical components of a student’s wellbeing—especially when the athletic experience doesn’t go as expected.

Let me offer you the coach’s perspective. Coaches recruit with the hope of finding players who will make an impact right away, but they can’t promise playing time. When it comes time to set the lineup, a coach has to play the best athletes—the players she trusts the most. Meanwhile, the rest of the team will be standing on the sidelines, cheering every game, and coaches must find a way to keep them all satisfied, motivated, and connected. Creating an encouraging atmosphere and providing transparency around playing time can make or break the experience for those who aren’t seeing the field.

Families of athletes in this situation often ask me for advice: “Should my son quit the team? Is it smart to transfer?” There’s rarely an easy answer. Planning to transfer and actually getting more playing time elsewhere—when a player is already not seeing the field—can be difficult, especially without recent game film or on-field experience to share with a new coaching staff. Many bench players choose to stick it out, trust the process, and get stronger through their struggles. Still, it’s important to watch for red flags of extreme mental distress, which could indicate that moving on from the team would be the healthier option. 

As for my son, he knows that we love him and will travel to watch his games regardless of his playing time. Whatever role he has, we value him. I trust him to do what is best for himself at this pivotal point in his sports journey—whether that means embracing a supporting role, continuing to work hard with the goal of earning a spot later, having honest conversations with his coaches about development, or reassessing what he wants from his college experience. What matters most is that he knows he has steady support behind him as he figures out what’s right for him. 

In summary: Parents, your student-athlete needs to be “positive, productive, and part of the solution,” regardless of the number of minutes they’re seeing on the field. That can be hard when they’re disappointed, confused about their role, or not feeling valued as a contributing member of the team. Encourage them to focus on the process, control what they can control, and avoid introducing negativity into the team atmosphere.

For coaches: take care of your people whether they’re playing or not. If a student comes to you for an honest conversation, tell them how things stand from your point of view. It’s not the easiest part of your job, but it’s something you want to do well.

And above all—whether you’re a parent or coach—lead with empathy. Playing time comes and goes, but feeling seen, valued, and supported stays with an athlete for life.